STEEL OF FIRE WARRIORS: 2010 A.D. Xiao Ping Out-Takes
SOME OUT-TAKES FROM THE SET OF “STEEL OF FIRE WARRIORS 2010 A.D.” EPISODE 6.

Taking a quick break from Steel of Fire warriors. Here is a clip of Rylee Newton, headliner of the next LAFF HOLE, on Comedy Central’s Premium Blend.

STEEL OF FIRE WARRIORS: 2010 A.D. Episode 6
WHILE WANDERING IN THE FOREST XIAO PING FINDS A MYSTERIOUS STRANGER. OR IS HE?

STEEL OF FIRE WARRIORS: 2010 A.D. Episode 5
As Travis begins to rebuild the Steel of Fire Warriors, Kevin falls deeper into Lord Gilgazorg’s hands.

STEEL OF FIRE WARRIORS: 2010 A.D. Episode 4
TRAVIS LEARNS THE TRUE DEPTH OF BETRAYOR’S BETRAYAL AS KEVIN ENTERS OLD WORLD IN HIS SUICIDAL MISSION TO KILL EVIL LORD GILGAZORG. AND WHO ARE THE “SHADOW PEOPLE”?

Holy crap, is it the second Wednesday of the month already? That means it’s time for another Laff Hole!

And have we got a treat for that ass! Our headliner is Ms. Rylee Newton!

Rylee Newton has appeared on Comedy Central’s Premium Blend, Jimmy Kimmel Live! and at the US Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen, Colorado. She has also appeared in my dreams. Hmmmmm….. Newton-y.

But, that ain’t all, not even a little bit. We also have one of Seattle’s favorite sons, Mr. Dan Moore!

Raised in a small town, Dan is big-city-funny. His opinions and interpretations about politics, life, and love are magical to watch. The Stranger Slog called him “Jarring and hilarious!” He has headlined the Week of Fun comedy festival, and has developed a niche for himself that has all the newness and creativity of the alternative comedy scene, while still being palatable and accessible and just damn funny!

You ready to pop from excitement, yet? Well then hold on to your expletive deleted, because our musical guest is the band Lady Drama!

Lady Drama plays a unique brand of melodic rock that The Stranger describes as “hopeful, intricate music - perfect for an early-autumn evening.”

Along with all that goodness, we’ve also got:

Barbara Holm
Seth Lazear
Brett Hamil
The Phrase-Off!
Surprises!
Hugs?
And host Brian Boshes!

Chop Suey
1325 East Madison Street
Seattle, WA 98122-4058
(206) 324-8005
$7.00, 9:00pm 21+

Come hang out. We’ve missed you. How’s your mom?

STEEL OF FIRE WARRIORS: 2010 A.D. Episode 3
THE STEEL OF FIRE WARRIORS ARE IN SPLINTERISH DISARAYMENT! KEVIN BRASHLY MAKES HIS WAY TO KILL THE EVIL IN “OLD WORLD” WHILE TRAVIS TRIES TO REBUILD THE TRIBE. AND WHO (OR WHAT) IS IN THAT BUSHES!?

CHAPTER 9: Age 4

At age four, I was walking, talking and freshly out of the diaper phase of my youth. Thusly, every moment of my life was filled with the terrifying threat that I might very well crap my pants at any moment. My parents lived in constant fear of this when they took me out to birthday parties, get togethers and the many, many funerals we had to attend, belonging as we did to a large family of Christian Scientists.

It was a time of great anxiety for me, having the basic knowledge that pants crapping was considered to be wrong, yet not having full confidence in my ability to stem the seemingly unstemable tide of crap. My pants just seemed so very, very intent on being crapped, and at times it seemed that their will would not be denied.

A stack of my He-Man Toys collapsing. An older brother combining Pop Rocks and Jolt cola to explosive effect. That scene in ET where they find ET all white and dead looking in a ravine. Threats of involuntary pants crapenings were abundant in the early 1980’s.

I had an imaginary friend named “Dlagon”. Dlagon was how I pronounced “Dragon” when I was four, and also nowadays when I’ve had too much ketamine. Dlagon and I would play my favorite game “president of the world”, and he would give me advice.

“What do you think, Dlagon? Should we do battle with the great horde of random Star Wars and HeMan characters tribe?” I would ask.

“I don’t know” he would reply. But you should definitely crap your pants right now.”

“How could that possibly help our side in this epic war?”

“Well, it would feel good for you. And, you know, you’d get to have another one of those rare talks with your dad”.

“Dlagon?” I said, “I knew there was a reason I made you my secretary of pants crapping.”

That year, my parents took me to see Santa Claus at the local mall, and when they sat me on that strange alcoholic man’s lap, I immediately crapped my pants. I was mortified. “If I really was Santa Claus”, he said, “I’d put a goddamn cork in your stocking. Ho ho ho that’ll be four bucks.”

But age four was not all about pants crapping for me. Often times I would wet my bed, and vomit on things and bleed inexplicably from the palms of my hands. And that was what age four was like for me–a constant race against time to fill my body with fluids faster than I could disgustingly eject them.

It was also the year that I was kidnapped and raised by badgers for seven months. There is very little worth mentioning about this time in my life.  I did not crap my pants once, because the badgers did not require that I wear them.  All I really did was lie around in the badger den, eating the baby birds and hornet larva that my surrogate family would bring to me by the pawful.  Occasionally I would have to gnaw through one of my badger brothers’ or sisters’ legs when they got caught by trappers, but for the most part it was a lazy and uneventful time in my life.

The question that I get asked most often about my experience is “What does badger milk taste like?”  I always say the same thing.  It tastes like ostrich milk, only stringier.

Eventually my badger parents booted me out of the clan, probably because of the smell.  I went back to my homosapien family and eventually, with a lot of hard work and determination, I was able to stop crapping my pants.  And then, the next day, I was off to college.  But that’s another chapter.

STEEL OF FIRE WARRIORS: 2010 A.D. Episode 2
Travis and Kevin, having buried their fallen comrades, are reacquainted with some old friends…or are they?

CHAPTER 126: MY JOB AT THE STOCK BROKERAGE

When I was 21 years old, I took my first and only office job, working at an online stock brokerage in Los Angeles, CA. Online stock trading was a booming, fast moving industry. And it was because of the nature of the job that I was first introduced to cocaine. Everybody at the office did cocaine. The boss did coke. All of the employees did coke. There was a tube that circulated around the office delivering fresh coke to each cubicle. There were weekly blood tests to determine if employees had cocaine in their bloodstream. All of those that did not were promptly and violently fired.

It was a very interesting first day of work. 3 weeks later, when I woke from my coma, my boss told me that I was a natural for the job, but he said that I had to take it easy for a while to build up my tolerance. He gave me a packet of “Coke for Juniors”, which was what he gave to his children. It was kind of embarassing, but I was determined to make the job work.

Having a decent job was unusual for me. On Fridays, the bosses gave my coworkers and I their business credit card and allowed us to hit up the local bars and drink to our fill all night. Never before had I experienced going to a bar with an unlimited amount of funds. It was liberating and a genuine confidence builder.

Two weeks later, when I woke from my coma, I was invited to the Company Christmas Party, which was held on the Queen Mary, an enormous, permanently docked cruise ship in Long Beach. The Queen Mary still holds the world record for being the largest moving thing ever built by man. It had a propeller the size of a football field, a rudder that weighed more than three volcanos, and was made with enough steel to build a life sized replica of the sun. The one time that the Queen Mary was ever allowed to take to the sea, it was so heavy that the water displacement flooded over 13% of the land on Earth. The Queen Mary was made with so much glass, South America was stripped of it’s entire northern desert, leaving nothing but rank Jungle in it’s place.

Anyways, we ate dinner on that ship, and I got coked up and hammered.

The Vice President of the company had a very serious crush on me. Just so you don’t get any ideas, let me assure you that the vice president was a woman. A woman with no breasts and a penis–which, she assured me, is an incredibly common phenomenon in the human species. I did not have a doctorate in genetical evolution, as she assured me she had, so I did not dare to argue.

As an office concubine, I came to appreciate many perks: bits of “overtime” on my paycheck that were actually unearned. Increased levels of my coworkers looking at me and then back at each other and laughing uncontrollably. Congratualatory pats on the behind from the Vice president, which reminded me of my high-school football days.

Because of my immense skill with the English language, I was eventually offered the position of Public Relations and Ad Man for the company, and I said “No way I ain’t not gonna never take this job”. After my bosses finished nervously glancing at each other, I was able to get to work. I wrote slogans that to me summed up the iffy but statistically possible prospects that came with the on line stock trading industry:

“Online Trading: Because regular gambling is illegal if you’re racist against indians”

“Online Trading: Who are you kidding? Your kids aren’t gonna need college money”

“Online Trading: The internet wasn’t invented to keep you from blowing all of your money on sketchy investments”

“Online Trading: It allows you to give your money to people like my boss, who is both Evil, corrupt and prone to violence against his employees”

5 weeks later, when I woke from my coma, I was out of a job. But I had never felt more free. I had cast off the oppression of the drone-like office culture. I had chafed at the idea of wearing a shirt and tie and punching in and out every day, gradually bleeding out my life in the drugery of the modern myth of capitalist bliss. I could live with working in video stores and movie theaters, living life for myself and not for the bottom line. I do, however, miss being able to make rent every month, buy clothes, eat meat that does not come from a can, go on dates, take warm water showers, and get medical coverage without having to blow the doctor first.